Better Than Perfect Read online

“Do I make you nervous?” Johnny slid his hands around her waist. He couldn’t help himself. It felt so natural. Like old times.

  “A little.” But she leaned back against him. Sighing.

  “Ali.” He breathed her in. Her hair smelled good. Familiar. Was it possible she still used the same shampoo she’d used in college? He nuzzled her neck before spinning her around and lowering his mouth for a kiss. A long, slow, deep kiss that almost transported them back in time.

  Almost.

  “Johnny. I can’t…” She pushed him away. “I can’t do this.”

  “I can finish the dishes. No problem.” Johnny had said the first thing to come to mind. Damn. He was a fool. To think she could want him. “Still not over your husband?” He backed up, putting much needed space between them.

  “No. Not that. I …” She looked up at him, her eyes stormy. A deep, dark blue.

  “How did it happen?” Johnny had spent the last few days wondering. He could have done the research, but he needed to hear it from her. “How did Mel die?”

  “A car accident.” She held her head high and steady. But she didn’t look at him; she gazed off in the distance. Into the past. “It was raining. And we’d had a fight.”

  He willed his feet to stay still. As much as he wanted to pull her back into his arms, he knew that wasn’t going to make everything okay. “What was the fight about?”

  She folded her arms across her chest. Shutting him out. Maybe trying to shut out the memories. “Mel wanted to have another baby. But Zach was starting school, and while I enjoyed helping in his class, it wasn’t enough.”

  “You had dreams of your own.” She’d wanted to be a teacher almost as much as Johnny wanted to play baseball. Maybe even more. “And you didn’t want to put them on hold any longer.”

  “Yes, but that’s exactly what I’ve done.” She picked up a dishcloth, but didn’t return to the sink. “I jumped right into the foundation and never looked back. Until recently.”

  “You’re not happy with your work?” Johnny inched closer. His lips were still humming from their kiss. “You need something more?”

  “I thought about going back to school. I miss Nevada.” She closed her eyes and inhaled as if she was trying to catch a whiff of the sagebrush they’d grown up around. The smell of home. “I want to go back and finish my credential. I’ve even filled out the application, ready to send… But I can’t take Zach from everything he knows. I can’t take him from his grandparents.”

  “He’s almost in high school. He’s going to move on in, what…five years?” Johnny wasn’t sure exactly how old he was. Only that Alice told him she married Mel because she was pregnant. They got married the day after graduation. Imagine his surprise when he’d opened a wedding announcement instead of news of the commencement ceremony he’d missed.

  “I know. And that’s even more reason for me to move forward, but…” She blinked hard. She’d never been one of those weepy females. She’d cried when he was drafted, but not when she’d said goodbye. “I don’t know if they can take another loss.”

  “You really care about them, don’t you?” Johnny admired her loyalty. He just wished she’d directed some of it toward him.

  “They need me.” She turned her attention back to the dishes. “Maybe it’s just not meant to be. It seems like every time I try to take that final step, something comes up. Getting pregnant, then Mel’s accident.”

  “What’s stopping you now?” Johnny moved closer. He couldn’t help himself.

  “You.” She flashed him a weak smile, stopping him in his tracks.

  5

  He was the one holding her back? Sure, she’d tried to backtrack. To stutter out a weak “you wouldn’t understand,” and a bunch of nonsense about how the Harrisons were good to her and Zach and she owed it to them to stick around and how rewarding working for the foundation was. But he’d seen it in her eyes. She was afraid to move forward. Because of him.

  He’d helped with the last of the dishes and left with some lame excuse about an early morning appointment. But his morning run hadn’t done a damn thing to get her out of his head.

  They weren’t over. She’d married Mel, but eight years after his death, she hadn’t moved on. Not out of loyalty to her husband. But because of him.

  And Johnny?

  He’d known for a long time that he wasn’t ever going to get over her. So he’d stopped trying. He could spout all kinds of nonsense about commitment to his team. To his game. But the real reason he hadn’t moved on was because he didn’t want to.

  He’d found a refuge in baseball as a child. He’d returned to that refuge when Alice left him. He wasn’t going to be able to hide behind his glove much longer. His arm was slowing down. He still had control—most of the time—but it would only be a matter of time before much younger hitters would catch up to his fastball.

  He needed to start thinking about his future. But first he had to face his past.

  It was time for him to pay his respects to Mel’s parents. He drove across town to their house, fully expecting them to slam the door in his face. Sure, they could forgive him for not coming to the wedding. They were probably relieved he hadn’t shown up. He might have tried to stop it.

  But he should have gone to Mel’s funeral. They’d treated Johnny like part of the family. He should have been there for them.

  “Hello, Mrs. Harrison.” Johnny took a deep breath to slow his heartbeat as Frannie opened the door. “I don’t know if you remember me.”

  “Johnny Scottsdale.” Frannie pulled him into a quick hug. “Of course we remember you. Come in. I heard you were coming to San Francisco. Mel would be so thrilled.”

  Which Mel? Her husband or son?

  “Thank you.” Johnny felt as out of place as the first time he’d come here. The Harrisons were one of San Francisco’s oldest, most respected families. Generations sunk their roots into the community. And Johnny? For all he knew, he’d been named after his own father. Some nameless john who’d left his mother with more than just an evening’s pay.

  “I’m sorry I haven’t been around.” No words felt quite right. No excuse seemed good enough. “I let Mel down.”

  Frannie turned around. He almost expected her to ask him to leave. Instead she pulled him into a tight embrace.

  “He missed you. He really did.” She let go before he could start to feel smothered.

  He felt awkward standing in the foyer of their elegant home. As always, there were fresh flowers artfully arranged on the front table. An antique, no doubt. The house was full of very stylish, classic furniture. It was like walking into a museum. Except for the warmth that Frannie and Mel Sr. shared with everyone who entered their home. Even him.

  “Come on back to the kitchen. I have pie.” Frannie had that mom thing down. The one he’d seen on TV, read about in books. The need to comfort and protect and feed.

  “Of course you do.” Surprised by the catch in his voice, he took a calming breath. “I’d love some.”

  “Great. It’s good to have you home.” She led the way to the kitchen, past the formal dining room with seating for twelve, the living room with grand piano and antique furniture and into the bright, warm kitchen that smelled as if she’d been baking just this morning. “I hear our Alice roped you into working the baseball camp.”

  “I was a last minute replacement.” Johnny found it interesting that she claimed Alice as her own. “My manager asked and it seemed like a good way to fill my afternoons. I can only take so many cable car rides or tours of Alcatraz.”

  “I hear you’re doing a fabulous job.” Frannie gave him a generous slice of pie, with a large glass of milk to wash it down. “Zach is over the moon at finally getting to meet you.”

  “I guess I should have stayed in touch.” Johnny wasn’t sure what he could have done to impress the kid so much. He followed Alice’s game plan, and played catch with the boy afterward.

  “It’s understandable why you didn’t.” She patted him on the shoul
der before sitting down next to him, with a cup of coffee but no pie. “I’m not sure what kind of magic my son worked on Alice, but we are forever grateful she came into our lives. And brought that dear child of ours with her.”

  “He’s a great kid. I can see why you’re proud of him.” Johnny took a bite of apple pie, hoping it would settle the churning in his stomach. He’d also like to know what kind of magic Mel had worked on Ali, but it didn’t matter. The past was over and done with. Time to put yesterday’s failures behind him.

  “We couldn’t be more proud of our boy.” Frannie smiled warmly. “And Alice, too. She’s a fine woman. A good mother. She’s been… I don’t know how we could have survived without her.”

  Johnny mumbled something about how sorry he was, but it seemed too little, too late.

  “But enough about that. Tell me, how have you been?” She patted his hand. “Is it as exciting as it seems, being a superstar baseball player?”

  “I don’t know about being a superstar.” Johnny felt his cheeks warm. “But yeah, baseball has been very good to me.”

  “You always were such a modest boy.” She smiled affectionately. “We’ve followed your career very closely, you know. We couldn’t have been prouder if…if you were Mel’s true brother.”

  “Well, thank you. That’s…” Damn. His throat tightened, the realization that he’d lost more than just his girl hitting him hard. “That’s quite an honor.”

  She rose, to pour herself another cup of coffee. Her hands shook a little as she stirred cream and sugar before returning to the table.

  “You know, Mel thought the world of you.” Frannie sat down next to him. “He didn’t have a lot of close friends growing up. He certainly never hung out with the jocks.”

  “No. I don’t suppose he did.” Johnny remembered the skinny kid who he’d been stuck rooming with that first year of college. Somehow, despite their vastly different upbringings, they had become fast friends. “But he didn’t hold that against me.”

  “And you didn’t hold it against him that he was a rich city kid.” Frannie had been close with her son. Something Johnny envied more than he could ever admit. “The two of you managed to see past your differences and form a meaningful friendship.”

  “I should have been a bigger man,” Johnny admitted. “I shouldn’t have let Alice come between us.”

  “He shouldn’t have…” She stared down at her coffee. “Can I get you more pie?”

  “No. Thank you.” Johnny had eaten more than his fill. “I should get going. Kids are counting on me.”

  “Alice has done a great job with that program, hasn’t she?” Frannie stood. She took his empty plate and waited for him to drain his glass of milk. “We’re awfully proud of her, too.”

  “Yeah. I can see that.” He wasn’t sure what he’d expected from this meeting. But this love fest wasn’t it.

  “I hope we’ll see more of you now that you’re here in the city.” Frannie’s smile was genuine. He wasn’t sure why.

  A light rap sounded on the back door.

  “That would be our Alice now,” Frannie said as the door swung open.

  “Well, I really should be going now.” Johnny stood. This time he was leaving. “Thank you for the pie.”

  He’d almost made it without seeing Alice again. Without his heart thudding in his chest. Without his head spinning when all the blood rushed below his waist as he recalled their kiss.

  “Johnny, how nice to see you here.” She said the polite thing, but she didn’t sound all that pleased.

  He’d reappeared in her life, and she was afraid. Afraid of the physical attraction still burning between them. They were adults. They could spend a week together and be able to control their hormones. Especially if the kid was around to chaperone. It was one thing to not care about being interrupted by a twenty-year-old roommate. But the chance of being caught by a thirteen-year-old kid was enough to keep them under control.

  He hoped.

  “I was just on my way out.” He wiped his hands on his jeans. His palms were sweaty. His mouth dry. His heart thudded erratically. “I’ll see you at the ballpark this afternoon.”

  “Yes. Of course. We’ll see you there. It’s going to be a great session.” She tried to smile, but didn’t quite pull it off.

  “I’m looking forward to it.” He then turned his attention to Mrs. Harrison. “Please give my regards to Mr. Harrison. I’ll be in touch.”

  He nodded goodbye to the two Mrs. Harrisons, but it wasn’t enough for Frannie.

  “We’ll see you soon.” She gave him a quick peck on the cheek and a pat on the shoulder as he slipped out the back door. The door reserved for family. And friends.

  * * * *

  “What was Johnny doing here?” Alice felt like she couldn’t escape Johnny or a constant reminder of what she’d done to him.

  “Having a slice of pie.” Frannie put the teakettle on the stove and placed a cup on the table for Alice.

  She stopped by most mornings after taking Zach to school. It was their daily bonding session. They usually ended up talking about foundation business, but in an informal way. Bouncing ideas off each other, sharing visionary goals, having the kind of discussions they couldn’t at a formal board meeting.

  “Johnny doesn’t eat sweets.” At least, he hadn’t. But it’d been a long time since she’d known him. Since she’d been able to anticipate his wants, his needs, his desires.

  “I guess he didn’t want to hurt my feelings.” Frannie motioned for Alice to sit. The space was still warm. Still carried Johnny’s scent.

  “No. He wouldn’t.” Alice went ahead and took a deep breath. She wasn’t going to escape him. Or the feelings that lingered like his aftershave.

  “You two aren’t finished.” Frannie had her back to her, busy with the teakettle. The whistle sounded and she poured Alice a cup of Earl Grey, her favorite. “He still cares for you.”

  “I doubt that.” Alice accepted the tea, holding it in front of her. “He tolerates me only enough to do his job for the camp.”

  “No. He regrets leaving you. I can see it in his eyes. In the way his heart stopped when you walked in that door.”

  “He may have regrets.” Alice stirred a scant teaspoon of honey into her tea. “But he wasn’t the one who left.”

  “He wasn’t?” Frannie held her coffee mug in both hands, eyeing her suspiciously. “I was under the impression he chose his career over you.”

  “I made that choice. Not Johnny.”

  “Really? Why?”

  That was a question she’d been unable to answer for the last fourteen years. She’d tried to convince herself she was only doing what was best for Johnny. Giving him a chance to be the star he’d become. She’d regretted her decision, but couldn’t look back. She couldn’t afford to. Not when she had a child to look after.

  “I knew Mel caught you on the rebound.” Frannie was a realist. She knew Alice and Mel’s marriage had been more about friendship than passion. “I assumed Johnny had been the one to leave. That Mel was there to pick up the pieces.”

  “No. I left Johnny. And I chose Mel.” He’d been there to pick up the pieces, but she’d been the one to shatter her own heart. She’d been the one to bring Mel along, eventually breaking him in the process.

  “Oh honey, you don’t have to lie to me.” Frannie reached across the table and patted her hand. “And you don’t have to lie to yourself.”

  Alice didn’t know what to say. She tried to pull her hand away, but Frannie held on.

  “Is Johnny Zach’s father?” Frannie squeezed her hand.

  “I don’t know.” Alice squeezed back. “It could have been either of them.”

  “I see.” Her tone held just enough reproach to make Alice feel like a slut. She’d only been with two men in her life, but it didn’t matter. She had slept with them within the same month. She would need a DNA test to determine who the father was.

  “Well. It doesn’t matter to me.” Frannie let go of her
hand. “Zach is my grandson, biologically or otherwise. He will always have a place in my heart. In my family.”

  “Of course.” She didn’t want to hurt the woman who’d been so good to her. Didn’t want to take away the only family she had left.

  “But it’s not my family you need to worry about. It’s yours.” Frannie stood, gathering the cups. “You need to do what is best for Zach. And for Johnny.”

  She’d thought she’d done that. Marrying Mel had seemed like the only choice at the time. If she’d gone to Johnny with the news of her pregnancy, he would have quit baseball. They would have struggled and he would have ended up resenting her. Especially if it turned out that Mel was the father of her child.

  Mel knew the child could have been Johnny’s. He was no fool. But he didn’t want to find out. He proposed, with the understanding that if she took his name, the child would be his. But Mel wasn’t here anymore. And Johnny needed to know the truth.

  They all did.

  * * * *

  Zach had done most of his homework in class and during his lunch period. He hoped Johnny still wanted to throw with him, and he didn’t want to let something as boring as schoolwork get in the way.

  They drove straight to the ballpark after school. Johnny was already there. Ready for the day’s activities.

  “Hey there, champ.” Johnny gave him an encouraging smile. “How’s it going?”

  “Good. Can I tag along with you again?” He hoped like crazy that Johnny would say yes.

  “Sure. We made a pretty good team yesterday.” Johnny clapped him on the back and for a minute there, Zach wished he could have Johnny around all the time. “Unless your mom needs you somewhere else.”

  Johnny and Mom looked at each other. It was kind of weird. Like they liked each other, but didn’t. Mom looked away and shook her head.

  “No. You can have Zach again today. I think that would be great.” Her voice was kind of thick. Like she was happy and sad at the same time.

  “Great,” Zach and Johnny said in unison.

  “You two have fun.” Mom smiled at Zach and then at Johnny. She seemed to smile at Johnny a little longer, but maybe Zach was imagining things.